I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
