I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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