dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
