Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
