you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
