He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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