her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
