I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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