Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
