Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
