textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
