Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
