Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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