what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
