Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
