respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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