I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
