we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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