i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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