god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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