So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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