hotel room ftw
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
