I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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