I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
