last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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