Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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