He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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