I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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