you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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