'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize