I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
