the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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