It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
