I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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