I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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