dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
