I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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