next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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