Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
