Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize