ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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