Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
