i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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