Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
