you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize