His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
