I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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