You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
