i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
