I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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