saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
