I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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