Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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