I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
