i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
