I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it hurts more in the daytime
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
